Well, This Isn't Good: How A HIV Prevention Message Got Me Banned From Grindr

I got banned from Grindr. Again. The first time I was banned, I wrote a profile saying I was into footing, which is a made up sexual practice, I think. I'm sure if I scoured the Internet, there would be a specific site devoted to inserting a foot in an anal cavity, #analshoetree. (Yup there is, gross.) Anyway, the monitor at Grindr headquarters didn't find footing funny and so, I was banned.

First footing ban

I can't recall how I got unbanned that first time  -- maybe I sent a ticket explaining why I should have my ban revoked, or maybe I created a new account. But it wasn't long before I was back on Grindr again.The second time I was banned? Well, that's an unfolding story.

It begins last summer, when I was on a lonely hunt for companionship and looking in all the wrong places. The year had been full of a flurry of unsuccessful dating and while I wasn't in the full throws of a hand jobs for the homeless spiral, as I was when I first moved to Queens several years ago, I was in need   of connection, camaraderie and some nakedness. 

I briefly dated a guy who I liked very much, who disappeared not soon after our second date. A few weeks after I'd given up on him, I received a late night text -- he was walking his dog on my side of Queens Boulevard and he asked if I'd meet him at the dog park. He wanted to talk.

He told me he'd contracted HIV from a guy he met on Grindr. His diagnosis came between our first and second date. He was devastated. He said he was better now, with a shrug that belied his palpable distress. I was glad he was feeling better, but I also knew the journey to acceptance, when hit with a major life change (like an HIV diagnosis), can take more time than a hot minute or two.

While my friend was dealing in all gradations of devastation, I noticed anger brewing in me. It was the same white hot anger I'd felt when I was 27 and my first boyfriend was diagnosed with HIV. Back in my 20's, I took action by becoming a safe sex counselor at GMHC and eventually going to social work school and working directly with the HIV/AIDS community. 

Now, I wanted to do something again. My new friend was in his early 30's, but I'd met other men that same summer in their early 20's who also contracted HIV because they trusted a Grindr hookup claiming to be negative. I know that sounds naive, and I know it might stir deep pangs of judgment for older men who remember the terrifying 80's and 90's when we imagined that HIV infection was lurking in every kiss and blow job, but I always remind myself there will always be young men coming into their sexuality with no guide book about how to navigate sex, relationships and emotional and physical self-care all at once.

So here's what I did. I posted a graphic on Grindr about  PrEP and PEP, two HIV medication protocols that, in addition to condoms, can help prevent HIV infection.

                   

PEP and PrEP infographics posted on Grindr

Since late August 2013, I've answered roughly 50-60 questions from different guys on Grindr. Response has been favorable, barring the guys accusing me of promoting irresponsible behavior. Some guys ask if I'm trying to make a profit or if I represent a pharmaceutical company. I explain that I just want to get info about safer sex options out there. 

For the most part, people want to know more so they can protect themselves. They ask where to get PEP or PrEP; try your local HIV organization or doctor; how much it costs (out of pocket can be expensive); and if it's covered by insurance (in most cases, yes, making it affordable if you have good health insurance). 

I continued answering questions until early February when I tried logging on from my iPad, but couldn't. I thought I had bad service and brought the tablet to work in Manhattan. Still nothing. Later that week, I downloaded the app to my phone in Jersey City and when I logged on, I saw the message below:

Not good at all

I'll send a letter of inquiry to Grindr and see if they will consider lifting my ban. When did this graphic become an issue? When did HIV prevention stop being valued by members of our community? (That means you, Joel Simkhai, the founder of Grindr.) Why did it take five months for my profile to get banned in the first place? Who at Grindr decided it was okay? And then that it wasn't? I guess safer sex doesn't matter as long as we continue to line Grindr's sticky pockets. If we can't discuss what we do with our dicks on an app designed to help us do things with our dicks, well then I smell a fowl stench of hypocrisy. 

So here's to you Grindr. I'm sending a message. Please don't block me.